On Holding Responsibility & Loosening Control
There’s a lesson I keep having to relearn—especially when the stakes feel high.
It’s the tension between responsibility and over-control.
When you own a business, that tension is everywhere. You’re accountable for outcomes, people, culture, cash flow, and decisions that ripple far beyond you. When something matters that much, the instinct to tighten your grip is natural.
Where Control Shows Up in Business
For business owners and leaders, the urge to control tends to surface in familiar ways:
Stepping back into decisions you’ve already delegated
Rewriting work instead of coaching through it
Holding onto roles because “it’s faster if I just do it myself”
Closely managing how something gets done instead of clarifying what success looks like
I personally notice it most when I feel the weight of being responsible for others—leading a team, advising owners, navigating uncertainty, or standing at a crossroads trying to decide what comes next.
The impulse isn’t exclusively about ego, though it would be dishonest to pretend it never shows up. More often, it’s rooted in wanting things to go well—for the business, for the people, for the future.
The Illusion of Control
The frustrating truth is that control is largely illusory.
People will do what they want. They make decisions through a complex mix of judgment, incentives, internal narratives, and life circumstances—even when another path seems obvious to you.
No amount of micromanagement can fully prevent mistakes.
And no amount of oversight can substitute for ownership.
In fact, the tighter a leader grips, the less room there is for others to think critically, take responsibility, or grow into the roles they’ve been given.
Choosing Care Over Control
I’m slowly learning that my real work isn’t to manage every outcome.
It’s to choose what deserves my care—and to let the rest pass by.
That distinction matters, especially in leadership.
Care asks:
What outcomes truly matter here, and have I defined them clearly?
Where does my involvement add value—and where does it create dependency?
What support, context, or feedback would help someone succeed on their own?
Control asks:
How do I make this happen exactly the way I would do it?
How do I prevent any missteps or discomfort along the way?
How do I stay involved just enough to feel secure?
Care creates capability.
Control exhausts everyone involved.
Starting With Trust (Even When It’s Uncomfortable)
The best antidote I’ve found to that reflex to tighten my grip is starting from trust.
Trust that I’ve shared what I know.
Trust that I’ve set clear expectations and decision boundaries.
Trust that I’ve given someone what they need to make a high-quality decision—even if it doesn’t unfold perfectly.
For business owners, this often means allowing room for learning and failure. Not reckless failure, but contained, supported failure within a psychologically safe environment where people can make decisions, reflect, and improve.
Trust doesn’t eliminate accountability. It reframes it.
Letting Go Isn’t Indifference
Letting go doesn’t mean caring less.
It means caring about more than just your preferred outcome.
It means caring about:
developing leaders instead of bottlenecks
building resilience instead of dependency
creating a business that can function without constant intervention
For founders, leaders, parents—anyone carrying responsibility—this is rarely a one-time lesson. It’s something we return to again and again, especially when things matter most.
And maybe that’s the real work.
